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Twitter: A place where you can let your true inner asshole and pervert run uncensored through an Elementary School
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Unfortunately my defense of "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a toys r us kid" no longer works in the court system.
You probably won't believe me but I bear no resemblance to Morgan Freeman or Bette Middler.
I think that not wearing pants is one of my greatest life accomplishments and I was born like that so I'm ahead of the game
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
"I need a bicurious wife with a trust fund that doesn't check my browser history"
My favorite holiday tradition is watching uncle Phil get hammered then go outside and fellate the Christmas Eve snowman
When ya wakeup with a tambourine in one hand and a tigers junk in the other, it's time to get back across the border
:snap: goes the hymen of adolescent girls as I walk into the room
That's it, if you post dumb FB statuses on twitter like "good day at work, headache but making dinner now" I'll unfollow and die
“Please don’t cry. You’re so ugly when you cry. Oh ugly duckling…bock bock!!”
Cops don't think it's funny when you blow into the breathalyzer through your nose. Also, it's an automatic fail #bondmoney
When a girl refers to her ass as juicy I think fruit juice or a pimple that ends up on a mirror and never talk to that girl again
"So ahhhhhh, this bleach takes out blood yea? Like..... lots and lots of blood.. Yea?" #dontaskthestoreclerk
Trust me, I'm the best plastic surgeon in Hollywood, swapping out your asshole and nose would make your whole face come together
Fancy Astronaut doesn't always finish sentences but when he does.. Fancy Astronaut invented basketball by throwing a boulder into a moon volcano 5 miles away.