Elbows are ugly. Put stickers on them.

Boobs were originally only meant to be plate holders until everyone got carried away.

Why isn't there a perfume that smells like a baby's head?

You only deserve to be single if you pull your pants up to your boobs.

A good way to make people hate you is to say toodaloo.

My tummy hurts today because I ate someone that was whistling.

When did my diary turn into a restaurant menu?

My hips don't lie. But my back fat does!

I sit at the kid's table because my boobs look really big there.

Everyone looks stupid when they're inside a sleeping bag.

Frost on car windows would be okay if a small penguin used his butt to wipe it off.

My next boyfriend is going to have a library card. I can feel it.

I always walk down the stairs like there's someone waiting for me at the bottom with a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries.

When I burp, it always smells like candy canes so it's not as gross as when regular people do it.

Curtains can be used as dresses but don't do that.

The only reason I correct your grammar is because I started school when I was five.

I like pouring water on my feet and giggling when they don't grow.

I always respond to "How was your day?" with "I tried to eat my lipgloss and then I fell asleep."

I thought getting lucky meant finding a pony in your toilet.

When the world kicks you down, I'll pick you back up and throw you on a trampoline.