I said "looks like Neil Armstrong just died" and the response i get "must be why he stopped fighting the drug charges" ... ... ...

i lost my voice somehow... i must have tweeted to much...

do not click on this unless you never in your life want to accept cookies when you haven't made them yourself... http://t.co/FFgINRLg

i wonder... if sammy davis jr lived today, would these be his emoticons? -__ or .-)

that last tweet is altered depending on if i had had any alcoholic beverages...

Oh you need to see id? Let me show you my epic beard!

None of the avengers have secret identities... Just realized that...

Remember when someone offended another they would just get challenged to a duel? Those were the days..

@edgarwright did you let it smell your hand first so it knew who you were?

January Jones... Katherine Heigl... Kristen Stewart... coming this fall in Ambien... the movie...

"with great powder comes great over activity..." #CocaineTweets

Time for potty break #1 of the day... this is what happens when you mainline Monster... #LiveTweet cc @epicbeergirl @tree_hug_r

Neighbor is hammering and using a power drill... Only eleven at night...

@aneesa_p if you counted like Mississippi's citizens this tweet @savagehippy retweeted would have been originally tweeted about 3 days ago!

When the meteor lit up overhead of Russian cities, for half a second the Russian people thought they finally had electricity...

Out of pure exhaustion i am calling people while riding my bike... Who wants a call? (i ran out of friends)

Pile of bacon... #BestTweetEver pic.twitter.com/hgXtCzU6

@manicsocratic woah woah woah woah woah... good?... GOOD?! They are pretty fucking AMAZING at racism! BE RESPECTFUL!

if i was a girl who posted bikini pics on FB, I would just make an album of bikini pics named "So guys don't have to look through every pic"

I saw a Christmas tree up today when i was in Burbank... I proceeded to pee on it in disgust! In unrelated news,i now own a Christmas tree.