I never abused a substance in my life. I care deeply for substances.

I suspect hours are 10 minutes shorter on Sundays. I just can't prove it.

Next time I get arrested, I'm going to ask for a tweet instead of the phone call.

Need someone to run your planet? There's an ape for that.

I miss my attention span.

Remember to thank the Irish - specifically the O'Clock family - today for inventing time.

Where's the "Favorite against my better judgement" button?

Sometimes I think I'm the only sane one in my office. Then I check twitter and realize that the problem is much more widespread.

Life is not too short. It's too narrow.

Just because I hate myself is no reason for you not to like me. I'm a horrible judge of character.

Growing up, I rarely saw my mom and dad. They were pretty much transparents.

When did we start calling racists and bigots "social conservatives?"

Contrary to co-workers opinions, I communicate just fine. There is just a lot of shit they don't need to know.

Please don't do or say anything I might not like.

Screw "take your daughter to work day." How about "send your daughter to work day"?

People who make you happy when you see them think you're always happy.

Years ago Steven Tyler wrote "Dude Looks Like a Lady." Now he looks like my grandmother.

Ultimate Laundry: Two socks enter, One sock leaves.

Not sure how I feel about people with opinions.

Some days I completely understand twitterciders.