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The hair tie on my wrist doesn't make me look gay. It makes me look like a guy who knows what girls ask for right before they give blow jobs
Me: hey, wanna go on date?
Her: I have a bf
M: I had a goldfish die
H: what?
M: oh I thought we were talking about shit that didn't matter.
Things men like:
1. Blowjobs
2. Silence
3. Sandwiches
4. Sex
5. Video games.
6. Blowjobs
7. Silence
8. Sandwiches
9. Sex
10. Blowjobs
The only thing worse than losing a phone is losing a phone that's on silent.
My phone just autocorrected "wanna grab a bite to eat" to "wanna suck my dick after I waste $100 on your high maintenance ass?"
When I see a fat person running it really inspires me. Not to run bc I'm skinny but to never be fat so that I never have to be a fat runner.
I'm watching intervention. They always go to rehab and then back on drugs. This show should be called interruption.
If you post shit YOU want to post and people unfollow you, that's their loss, never sacrifice who you are for what others want you to be.
Fuck you bitch, I have 200 Twitter followers. In response to Sarah in 3rd grade who said, "no one likes you."
Everytime I hear a girl tell me she's about to cum, she has approximately 7.69 seconds before I am pulling out and doing the same.
If you're every girl that walks past me ,I'm every guy that stares at your ass.
If you smoke pot then we can't be friends---someone I'm not friends with.
If you say something funny on twitter and everyone is asleep, is it still funny?
I'm not really sure why women think men only want sex. We want blowjobs and sandwiches too.
When weed is legal...I'm gonna eat it for breakfast, brunch, linner, lupper, supper, dinner, and my midnight snack.
When A female says "GIVE IT TO ME HARDER," I get discouraged because I only know how to give herpes one way.
The words of a picture.
