Don't allow your life and thoughts to revolve only around what has been. #justsayin'

I should have learned a trade, at least I'd know what kind of work I'm out of.

The Standard is Poor.

'We're here to take your pornography and sodomize our vast imaginations.'

So yeah, cigarettes alcohol sleep-deprivation and coffee don't cure colds AT ALL. You guys suck at health care.

What is 'The Secret'? - Pretend that you already achieved it. Then sell it.

The truth is analog - not digital.

You can't even get a job at the University of Phoenix with a degree from the University of Phoenix.

Mariah had better hurry up and have that baby before Angelina files adoption papers.

.. Will you be able to hold me up if I add my legs to this hug?

I pulled my groin after I saw you... for like 20 minutes.

..subscriptions!? I thought you said, 'prescriptions'. Get the hell off my porch.

More people should choose to be circus performers.

I bet Sheena is still a punk rocker.

I could make a full, blonde'ish (slightly smelly) toupee a day with the amount of hair this dog sheds. -Also, *Blonde Toupee's Now For Sale*

I feel like getting liquored up and burning something down most days .. it's nice to have a socially acceptable excuse.

If you can see you breath this morning...you just need to brush your teeth.

The only reason I want an English degree .. is so the eventual insane manifesto I scribble in feces on a madhouse wall is eloquently worded.

I can't Sbelieve Sbarro filed Sbankruptcy..

Well. You tried. #3wordsaftersex