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Our mayor supposedly smokes crack and everyone wants evidence, but my wife finds pee on the floor and I'm IMMEDIATELY guilty??
You have to eat McNuggets fast, before the enchantment wears off. For that first 3 minutes though, fried cloaca paste never tasted so good!
Not putting an exclamation point at the end of a Facebook birthday message is code for fuck you
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they hope you're going to drop that sandwich.
I'm not doing anything special for the earth today. We haven't been together that long and I don't want it to think I'm all "serious."
I make fun of people Instagramming their food, but I forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit.
What if you go see Tilda Swinton and it's just a heat lamp, water dish, grass and a twig perch and a guard who's like, "Oh, she's in there."
Happy International Women's Day! Did you know women were invented nearly 100 years ago today for the purposes of germ warfare?
Young(ish), gifted(ish), talented(ish). I'm a lot of ishes.
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