how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

sir, on last year's tax return you claimed zero in "fucks given", but our records clearly show you yelled at a football game in november.

haters in the club telling me to pay child support. haters banging they gavel.

culture tip: they aren't true haters unless they reside in the french town of hatre. otherwise they're known as sparkling negs.

ok...mailed the electricity bill, turned the heat off, what am i forgetting? SHIT, THE 90's! *lonely 90's sits at soccer practice*

LADIES -- call me wolf because i've only mated once and if you listen closely at night you can hear me crying

"i must be on sesame street cause there's burnt & urnie" -my daily ownage of mee-maw's ashes and memory

i told this homeless guy to get a job and he just chattered and ran up a tree with his acorn smh

welp, time again to renew my contract with the works of edgar allen...actually no. not this time. fuck the poe lease.

❒ single ❒ taken ✔ my ability to love was forcibly taken at the tender age of 8 why is this even an option i just want to work at costco

HEY #ATHEIST WHY NOT TRY UNBOXING A BIBLE. BONUS CONTENT INCLUDES: NEW CHARACTER IN YOUR HEART SQUAD (JESUS) AND ETERNAL SALVATION DLC.

when measuring my number of n00bs bested over time, you'll notice the curve is expwnential

sex education is useless when am i going to use this stuff in the real world #NEVER #ihatethisclass

if u wife-swap ur wife evolves into a gengar

"sure i'll help you with your math homewo-oh wait, not joy division but regular division? oh. sorry you're on your own, son." -goth dad

regrets: telling my father i loved him before he died. it made things awkward and in retrospect it was hella gay.

shout out to my uncle in japan who gave me a copy of mambo #6 while you fools were still jazzed about #5

recently i discovered there is more to life than twitter and that those things are horrible and i want to go back to twitter

today marks the historic date when union forces gave general lee a +K in diaper rash, forever turning the tide of the civil war.

there exist bots on twitter programmed to spit out platitudes for 24 hours a day that are more popular than all our efforts combined