If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

The worst thing about getting cooties is having to contact all your old freeze tag partners

Just found a Fruit Roll-Up in my pocket, which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrapper in their lunch box

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

If opinions are like assholes then you are like an opinion

It was wise to take a cab home last night, but foolish to forget that my kids were waiting for me outside of the bar in our minivan

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

This memory foam had better keep it's fuckin' mouth shut!

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake shit.

You can't honestly expect me to stop my car everytime I hit something

I don't remember giving Sarah MacLaughlin permission to film my pets for her stupid music video.

There wouldn't be any babies if semen tasted like nacho cheese.

Chocolate bunnies are hollow to represent God's promises.

I'm like those Mad Men guys when I'm at work except I'm a woman and I dress like shit and I never say anything clever and I drink in my car

Our son kicked so hard during my pregnancy that the ashtray would fall right off my stomach.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn't get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, "I don't want this shit.".

""Grandma got run over by a PAINdeer!!", is the coolest thing you can say after body-slamming your Nana on Christmas.

Little kids suck at catching a basketball in their sleep.

Can't release my sex tape because an animal was harmed during filming :(