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Picture your dad with no pubes wait don't
Always check your shoes for spiders and your Fleshlight for rats.
Happy and disgusting as a clam.
Tired of being the only one around here who pees on the toilet roll.
I'm so hungry a honey bun just sang Blurred Lines to me through the vending machine.
Why did you name your daughter Zoe? She's a Kristen at best. AT BEST.
My vagina's not loose, just fall-off-the-bone tender. http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/tweet4meat/tweet4meat2013 … #Tweet4Meat
This vibrator has more pet hair on it now than when I started.
Do me on the breakfast pizza.
Amazon also trained a dog to carry dildos in his mouth.
Public schools should teach abortion-only sex education.
Shop local even though it sucks.
Mom asked if we wanted to help decorate the tree so I quadrupled her medication and made her sit in a rain puddle.
My goal is to fill a Toys for Tots container with plain white socks.
The customer is always right behind you with a blunt object.
I rode a Walmart greeter through the crowd like he was an ostrich.
What do you get for the man who is nothing?
Alone in a hot tub with the turkey carcass.
Stripped the meat off a drumstick with my butthole.
Chinese food because I'm not a pilgrim.
Kiss Mommy's cold sore and make it better! #RVA