Overweight is not a handicap. It's poor decision making. Rewarding it w/a parking pass is like giving a heroin addict spoons for Christmas.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name.

When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helpin my mom w/her facebook profile.

I just texted my boss "Fuck you, suck my cock and shove this job up your ass!" but it autocorrected to "I'll be in a little late tomorrow".

Wings? It would be cooler if Red Bull gave you head.

Hey guys, if you're not telling her she's beautiful each and every day, I will.

If you've ever snuck off to a bathroom to tweet in private, you've joined the club.

Intelligent Design would have been putting the G-Spot in the esophagus.

Finding $5 you didn't know you had is awesome til you realize you're 34, it's 2011 & $5 won't even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

I can solve a Rubik's Cube in 2min flat, I know where a clitoris is & "The Notebook" made me cry.

Ladies, the line forms to my left.

Did Kim Kardashian give birth yet? Not sure what the gestation period is for a publicity stunt.

Fuck love. I just want the box it comes in.

I'd never lay a hand on a woman or discipline your child. But I WILL send my 9 yo to kick the shit out of your 10 yo for picking on my 5 yo.

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I'd rather spend an hour taking off your panties than have you show up without any.

Wait!... so :3 isn't the emoticon for deep throating?

Pigtails, because sometimes saying "I like it from behind" just isn't enough.

I think it's so adorable how you completely ignore my sexual advances then call security because I'm not a real bathroom attendant.

Every woman has 1 spot that if kissed or bit gives her an instant orgasm. If you're not looking for it every time you're not doing it right.

My dog's ability to sit next to me with his head on my lap and completely wipe the day's slate clean is why he's my best friend.