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To anyone in the throes of serious depression: you are not selfish, or bad. You have a medical condition, and it is treatable. Get help.
I am never giving up the serial comma, because it is clear, sensible, and also a third thing.
If you tell me to "calm down" when I'm perfectly calm, guess what? I get to break all your things.
Instead of "nonfiction" and "fiction," the new terms shall be "for realsies" and "make-'em-'ups." Please make a note of it.
Music leading up to Obama's speech seems to indicate that he's planning to make sweet love to each and every one of us. I, for one, am ready
Every time someone writes a pile of self-congratulatory "tips" on getting kids to eat better, I punch a grass-fed cow right in its face.
My favorite thing ever is when my husband can't find something and I know exactly where it is and he looks at me like I'm a witch
Henry, just now: "My pants are bigger on the inside. Time lord technology." Now you know your pickup line at Comic-Con, NERDS
Today I practiced being nonjudgmental. I managed for about 15 minutes. It's not my fault that everyone else is the worst.
Fear #613: that after doling out the cat's morning wet-gross-food, I will mindlessly lick the fork.
I just had to shave with a razor that had a mere two blades. Next I'm going to churn my own goddamn butter.
Today I either soothed a dying baby bird until it passed, or terrified it into a quicker death. RIP, baby bird. You're welcome/I'm sorry.
Nursing a three-year-old is extreme? I'll nurse anything. I just nursed a barn owl.
There's just nothing like that new-Pope smell.
After any cataclysmic weather event, one should always greet climate-change-deniers with a swift, hearty punch in the cock.
Pro tip: format your emails in a bright-colored serif font! That tells your recipient that you are very old and/or totally nutballs.
TAKE CONTROL JIM GET THEM WITH
YOUR SHARK EYES
A nice break in the horrid monotony. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQSu6a98hjU