Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

OK don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I'm just listing things.

It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go fucking apeshit.

Ugh this shampoo smells like gin. Tastes like it, too. Oh that's right I keep a bottle of gin in the shower! In case of feelings!

You ever get so into making out with someone that the world just disappears and it's like you're not even in jail anymore?

1933: My grandfather kills a stag with his bare hands.
2009: I eat a whole thing of cookie dough and fall asleep on the toilet.

Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"?

Wrote MARRY ME in flames on her front lawn but then the wind picked up and oh god it was horrible just horrible

The PowerPoint was sort of boring until the twist ending where it turned out I was dead inside all along.

Yes, I fed my kid a can of Folgers. But look how happy she is, riding the dog down the street, shrieking obscenities.

I'm sorry, honey, but you never said the pony had to be alive. Well maybe it was your imprecise language that "ruined" your birthday.

Your wife LITERALLY exploded with rage? Um yeah did you know that "literally" means—oh god, oh my god what happened in here

Oh my gosh I didn't mean to knock you off your tricycle! Here, let me hold your ice cream sandwich while you LATER ASSHOLE

Woke up in the ball pit at McDonald's, underwear full of dollar bills. So far, best birthday ever.

"Dad, are angels real?" "Yep." "They're watching over us?" "Every minute of every goddamn day." "Dad, I'm scared." "Me too, champ. Me too."

You took so long showering and drinking and crying and cutting yourself that I'm not even in the mood anymore.

You ever get drunk and buy something online but forget all about it until she shows up on your porch, yelling something in Russia-talk?

I wrote you a haiku / But it had no grace / I wrote you a sonnet / But ran out of space / Anyway here's a drawing of a penis on your face

Maybe if you read my Facebook status once in a while you wouldn't be all surprised about having herpes right now.