@fireland's (Joshua Allen) most faved Tweets...
Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
OK don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.
1933: My grandfather kills a stag with his bare hands.
2009: I eat a whole thing of cookie dough and fall asleep on the toilet.
2009: I eat a whole thing of cookie dough and fall asleep on the toilet.
Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"?
Oh my gosh I didn't mean to knock you off your tricycle! Here, let me hold your ice cream sandwich while you LATER ASSHOLE
It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go fucking apeshit.
Maybe if you read my Facebook status once in a while you wouldn't be all surprised about having herpes right now.
Your wife LITERALLY exploded with rage? Um yeah did you know that "literally" means—oh god, oh my god what happened in here
"Dad, are angels real?" "Yep." "They're watching over us?" "Every minute of every goddamn day." "Dad, I'm scared." "Me too, champ. Me too."
I wrote you a haiku / But it had no grace / I wrote you a sonnet / But ran out of space / Anyway here's a drawing of a penis on your face
You took so long showering and drinking and crying and cutting yourself that I'm not even in the mood anymore.
Yes, I fed my kid a can of Folgers. But look how happy she is, riding the dog down the street, shrieking obscenities.
When the checkout girl is bagging up a handle of vodka and four pregnancy tests, I find a little wink really completes the moment.
Your lust for power doomed 700 men to a watery grave. Yes, you sank my battleship—but at what cost to your soul? Now go to your room.
Wrote MARRY ME in flames on her front lawn but then the wind picked up and oh god it was horrible just horrible
My son said "I love you, sir" for the first time. I slapped him and sent him away, then stood at my study window, mustache wet with tears.
The PowerPoint was sort of boring until the twist ending where it turned out I was dead inside all along.
You ever get drunk and buy something online but forget all about it until she shows up on your porch, yelling something in Russia-talk?
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