A couple weeks ago I pressed the wrong button on LinkedIn and now I'm the CEO of Arby's. Please send help. I've seen such horrible things :(

Suicide note looking a little skimpy? Courier New that shit!

Um yeah that's cool, no yeah I'm still interested, I'm just wondering what your ratio of "she" to "male" is?

The delivery guy hands over my six pizzas. I close the door, turn off the MP3 of party noise and let out a long, shuddering breath.

You ever play air guitar to a piano part because fuck you whatever?

I wish people got a Purple Heart for autoerotic asphyxiation just so I'd have something of my old man's to sell on eBay.

You ever get so into making out with someone that the world just disappears and it's like you're not even in jail anymore?

Just noticed the geniuses at Walmart misspelled "daiquiri" on my tattoo but whatever how often do you even look under your lip. #expiredham

I don't know, tranquilized sex panda chained to my radiator. You just seem so distant lately.

A woman falls to her knees, weeping. We all look at each other. Should we say something? Give her a hug? Find a new strip club?

I accept your wager! I shall return to this spot, precisely one year from today, and we shall see which man sports the finest neckbeard!

Anyone seen a little white kid about yay high, maybe wearing a diaper, probably telling lies about his neglectful father, definitely drunk?

I'm probably not qualified to be a Catholic priest but getting paid to drink wine and dunk babies under water sounds like a sweet gig.

I stabbed my cigarette in the bellboy's expectant hand and said, "Here's a tip: Use aloe vera on that burn LOL!" I actually said LOL lol.

My son said "I love you, sir" for the first time. I slapped him and sent him away, then stood at my study window, mustache wet with tears.

Girl, sex with me is like moshing at a Fugazi show. I'm all: Hey, uh, can you please stop that? C'mon. That looks dangerous.

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

Sometimes I sneak into my kid's room just to watch her sleep or see if she has any money lying around or some weed or Sun Chips or anything.

How far do you think I can throw this squirrel? I bet I could—what? In the park. Yeah I just grabbed it. Well maybe YOU have squirrel AIDS!

Ugh, I can't figure out how to wrap up this suicide note. Maybe just a ;-)