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When you see trash bags on the side of the road, do you wonder, just for a moment, if your bitch ex girlfriend might be in one?
I'm starting a euthanasia program for all these unwanted spirit animals since the meme died.
So I've just been told quit twitter, come to bed, or it's over.
Related: Now tweeting live from the sofa
Who knew Twitter set a DM limit? I'll drop the foreplay next time
Nothing says love like being given a box of chocolates and being told, 'I'm gonna fatten you up so you can never leave me.'
Twittercide is like swallowing a box of paracetamol and waiting around for people to give a shit.
Got a moodboard app for ipad but think I'm spending too much time on Twitter cos all I keep drawing is penises all over it.
My pregnant pause is missing a period
At what point during sexting should you mention you're actually paralyzed below the waist?
If you've got nothing nice to say, start a Twitter account.
Despite a great business plan, 'crime scene tape' patterned children's underwear never sold as well as initially anticipated.
In trouble at work for having porn as a desktop image. My boss could at least acknowledge how well I photoshopped his face onto that midget.
Anyone looking for a new flatmate? Have widescreen TV and no gag reflex. Gyno references available on request
When you drive an $80K Mitsubishi with the number plate, 'G3TSUM,' it is almost certain you won't.
That's not a zombie apocalypse, son. It's just your everyday brain-sucking, soul destroying commute to work on public transport.
I need a green light code. Like the reverse of a safe word. So if I say 'marshmallow' you secretly know I'm willing to choke on it
Listening to The Smiths and reading Sylvia Plath at the same time without prozac is my skydiving.
Been thinking how much more I'd get away with if I had a helicopter as a get away vehicle.
Heroin is chicken soup for the soulless
I wonder how many people delete their account drunk, then wake up the next morning with the best tweet idea ever?