“RA RA RASPUTIN
Russia's greatest love machine”

Now that I own 60% of a US auto company, I can achieve my lifelong dream of having sex in the backseat of a car...

...As it is being built.

The biggest change in the upcoming Beatles: Rock Band — You are required to play with the guitar above your belt.

Peeing on things is probably how dogs Twitter.

Photos of Children From Around the World With Their Most Prized Possessions  http://buff.ly/ZmKqwl 

MT @amaditalks: 68yo black man accidentally sets off his medical pendant so the police break down his door & kill him. http://t.co/cxtCHh46

UNBELIEVABLE: Not once did they ever show Geordi La Forge and his crew laughing at kitten videos in main engineering.

Fog’s so thick that I lost my way back to the apartment walking the dog.

Seriously guys I'm lost. This isn't funny. Quit faving this tweet.

I always put my socks on right after I get put of the shower. I look stupid but the day can only get better from there.

AND IT’S A RACE TO SEE WHO CAN GIVE ME THE MOST STARS ON TWITTER—Wait, no… No one even cares.

GOOD NEWS FROM YEAR 2025: Scientists decypher dog language. BAD NEWS: TV plays nothing but commercials for your dog… It's really annoying.

Wife: "do you wanna see star trek in digital projection"

Me: "i want you to make love to me with those words"

I'm pretty certain America's decline started when someone decided to release more than one version of Monopoly.

Nineteen pieces of great advice for everybody.  http://theburiedlife.tumblr.com/post/34308725439/19-things-to-stop-doing-in-your-20s-1-stop …

I'm going to print this out and hang it up whe —  https://posts.app.net/1241715 

@dielaughing Jesus H. Macy you're good.

Austin, TX in a nutshell: Old man on a bicycle riding down the street through traffic smoking a cigar.

One does not simply shuffle progressive rock.

Republican Lamar Smith supports mass censorship and criminalization of free speech. http://t.co/I6Ui4lMk

An open letter and warning from a former tea party movement adherent to the Occupy Wall Street movement. http://t.co/lebtdyzW #ows

Stay classy, Paul Ryan. http://r2.ly/9a6n /via @davewiner