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Obesity doesn't run in your family...No one runs in your family...
Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!!
Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself.
NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, wake up at noon naked in your kitchen with a half eaten sandwich...medicine.
Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Mom, for the last time...I want a vase with a hole in the side of it. Go to this store and ask for Cheech. He knows what I'm talking about.
Solve world hunger, cure aids, cure cancer, start an anti-Geico commercial protest...all goals of mine in no particular order.
Has anyone else noticed that the & symbol looks a lot like a man dragging his butt on the floor?
"Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me." -Alcohol
Was just unfollowed for the first time. So yes, I do now understand why nations go to war...
How do all of these people on Intervention fall for the, "Hey, can we do a documentary on your addiction"?
Girl: Are you free tonight?
Me: I'm in the U.S. where I'm always free.
Girl: Seriously? You're doing this again?
Me: [Insert eagle picture]
Dogs: can be trained to detect bombs.
Cats: can be trained to poop in a box.
If you can't do, teach. If you can't teach, do. If you suck at both, become a motivational speaker.
Just saw a spider and screamed like a 7 year old girl. Turning that clock back an hour now and pretending it didn't happen.
Discovering that an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie is actually made with raisins is my hell.
Witnessed a 300lb woman mowing the lawn. 2 things are now clear. She's single, and mowing the lawn is no longer a valid form of exercise...
Instead of yelling "COPS" at a party to shut it down, I just turn on Coldplay Dubstep Remixes. Works better actually...
Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I'd say I'm doing pretty well for myself. [Future attorney for many of you]