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Eminem is such a homophone
Pretty sure I wanted a sex dream about Jon Snow but instead I got one about Ser Jorah Mormont so thanks for that whoever
USA: can we bomb <nation>?
UN: you're gonna anyway, aren't you?
USA: yep. you're a pointless organisation. Syria later, lulz
I don't think that "turn on" button on Facebook chat works :(
"What the fuck is wrong with all the others? Asshole." - me when someone goes through my feed and favorites select tweets
At this point, misguided feminists are so anti-misguided-feminism that they are becoming misguided anti-misguided-feminism feminists
An emotional Bette Midler picks up her Latin American percussion instrument and sings, "Did you ever know that you're my guiro?"
"Show me a hero and I'll write you an execution order" - Despot Fitzgerald
What idiot called it "cunnilingus" and not "elixir"
This is my favourite time of year because it's the longest possible time before I'll see the term "Zombie Jesus" again
I'm the way with other people's funny tweets that Patrick Bateman is with other people's business cards
Not understanding obscure, yet classic Simpsons quotes? That's a paddlin'