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What part of 'I just found two rubber chickens hidden in my son's underwear drawer' should I be most concerned about??
You can tell the Olympics are almost over and they're out of ideas cause now they are just letting people dance with ribbons and sticks.
So the bedpans aren't for visitors??
Took my cat for her first deep tissue massage class. Instructor says she is a natural.
Added vodka to my mom's hospital jello. I've been sent back to the waiting room.
Trick or treating is much harder than it used to be. Nobody is answering their door this morning.
Damn. Didn't get my Oprah last show tickets. No all expense paid trip to the moon and own personal rocket for me.
The human touch was denied a bank loan
Why is it uniCorn instead of uniHorn?
Daughter just put her pizza in the room safe and tried to heat it. Hey, it had a keypad...
Still haven't taken my tree down. The cat won't come out of it. Been in there over a week now.
Just rewatched the first two episodes of The Walking Dead with my kids and now there are four of us in one double bed.
13 keeps rollerblading past the couch. He almost ran over a cat cause he doesn't know how to stop other than crashing into the fireplace.
My back hurts today. I feel as though you should all know this.
My bad. Apparently, they are hiring a candy STRIPER.
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it #replacegirlwithsquirrelinsongs
I CANNOT get my groundhog to sleep tonight. And he needs to be up so early tomorrow.
So stuffed after the huge dinner at Carrabbas. Can barely move. Feeling miserab - oh look, Doritos!
I didn't wake up this morning feeling like P Diddy.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE AN ADULT ANYMORE!!
there's a fine line between flamingo sass and flamingo's ass...