"Mouth" is just a fancy word for "pizza door."

The only downside to buying diamonds is that you could have bought thousands of tacos instead.

Drive-thrus are glory holes for your stomach penis.

Cat hell is probably super clean from all the vacuuming.

One thing guys who spray cologne in their car always forget is to drive into a river.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."

A black guy should buy all the Cracker Barrel restaurants and not change the name.

Found a baby in the chocolate waterfall at Golden Corral.

Motorcycle is a fancy word for "fart that takes you places."

Just gonna keep microwaving stuff until I get a shitty superpower.

When you look deep into someone's eyes, you can tell if they've taken a shit at Walgreens.

Turn your clocks back four years, the sun doesn't give a shit.

$5 says one of the dudes from Savage Garden is eating noodles out of a shoebox.

If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.

You'd be surprised how quickly you can finish a lobster dinner when you think you're being pulled over.

All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.

We're probably accidentally giving ghosts handjobs all the time.

Wonder if birds would like it if I went up to their nests at 3am and started doing shitty karaoke.

Owls, we know you're not doing shit up there. Come down and have a drink with us.

Christians should be nicer to atheists if they want someone to take care of their pets after the rapture.