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I can't wait until the iPhone 9 comes out, so I can say "Hey, check out my new phone!" and, then pull out my dick, and wave it around.
To all in a tizzy about this Netflix whatever, I cannot wave my dick in a helicopter-fashion any harder at you.
Guys, GUYS. I have finally lived out my dream of tearing up papers in front of someone angrily and then walking off.
Fun times with @bryankenny @tonydac @darlingstewie @fishstickz and everyone!! Happy birthday @shnoobles, you fuck!
FANBOYS: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND USE/DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, LEAVE OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF IT
Most awesome birthday cake EVER. Oh MY GOD. #Pokèmon #pikachu #haunter #Weedle @misfitm3l OWNS. OWNSSSSSS http://t.co/3VrhTiWf
In honor of Pi day, I'm putting 3.14159265359 shots of whiskey in my coffee. THANKS MATH
Found some AAAA batteries at work. Never seen these before. #energizer http://instagr.am/p/Whc98NMDkJ/
AT&T, did I sign up for the carrier pigeon plan? Or is it the glaciers fucking sliding along delivering my packets? IS IT LITTLE TINY ANTS?
Good news everyone, A colony of whiskey has taken up residence in my abdomen!
IVE HAD SO MUCH COFFEE THAT I AM SCROLLING THE TWITTER APP SO FAST ITS CRASHING YOU GUYS HELP FUCK
Was told I need to make my desk look "less mad scientist" for an upcoming evaluation. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TIME FOR FIRE
If my iPhone corrects dawg to dog one more time...
IT'S GETTING A LESSON IN EBONICS.
Fucking is rooted so deep in my speech that I can't tell when people are talking about the sexual act, or adding some pizzaz to a sentence.
Some people really need to stop taking themselves so seri-DISREGARD THAT, LOL BUTTS
Engineerguy. I like C, long walks through data centers, skateboards, knitting and eating toast while hanging upside down from monkey bars. Vending machines.
