Every time I let a woman go ahead of me on the escalator I worry that she thinks I'm creepin her butt padding when really I'm just Canadian.

This mustache is making me racist against whatever I am

Hey so when's the last time you survived

#INeedMasculismBecause no one would give us white history month or a straight pride parade

To me, Fantasy Football is not having football exist.

anyone know a good crotch butler?

I am the baseball Michael Jordan of the rest of life.

Apparently only God can judge total idiots.

I am just picky enough that the women I desire tend not to reciprocate or exist usually.

And creepin that butt padding

@remiel So long as they also "love to laugh", I feel a real connection with these people who "love their friends and family"

People who complain about other people doing stuff on their smartphones while walking around or hanging out forget that WE ARE DOING MAGICS.

If we just armed all marathon runners...

My wonderful redneck brother straight up will refer to a ladys fine behind as a "turd-cutter" Yet I am the single one. Explain THAT athiests

Maybe less skin-tone shirts on old guys?

ha ha haaaa imagine Donald Trump's merkin

That feeling you get watching a couple comprised of one person in love and one who has clearly already boarded the USS Fucking Someone Else.

If Darwin was a real guy how come I just stepped into traffic while distracted by a nice butt.

Let's ruin everything!

Tweeting about tweets is like fantasizing about masturbating and yet, here we are