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I sometimes open a bag of potato chips and throw it out the window of a moving car and just let the chips fall where they may.
It's funny how the most popular narcissists always feign self-loathing and sadness to sort of, I don't know, "identify" with the rest of us.
I want to pistol whip a proud person.
Plan for tonight:
1. Call mom.
2. Read up on the Roswell incident.
3. Play with my erection.
4. Pass out.
Sometimes if you finger a cop's ass just right, he'll read you your rights and tell you to drive safely.
I think shock value should be reserved for electrocuted rich people.
I LOVE fucking chipmunks! You draw your own conclusion.
Just when you think it can't get any worse, you ejaculate on your pizza.
It's amazing how the quality of people's tweets magically improve after they've unfollowed like 400 people.
Meteorologists are constantly wrong about the weather because it has nothing to do with meteors.
Walking distance is confusing to a sparrow.
Anderson Cooper may have been punched in the face multiple times but he's still the sexiest motherfucker on cable news.
I bet people who examine stool samples all day can take a fart in the face without a flinch.
You know what I love most about bat shit? It's that it's crazy!
To be on the safe side, whenever I'm scared shitless I just shit my pants.
Nothing like a swift prostate massage to motivate a lazy bastard on a Monday morning.
I like calling teenagers, unskilled fuckers.
Sometimes I imagine my anal hairs dancing in the club when I'm passed out. Just kidding, I don't have any anal hairs.
"So, what's your take on things?" - professional thief
Heart disease is mostly preventable especially when you're a heartless bastard.
Life is a series of unrelated scenes that only appear to be related. Well, fuck that!