If there's gonna be a land grab I'd prefer to grab the land's tits.

After some deliberation, I decided to no longer follow back arrogant bots.

Vomit is the ultimate form of feed back.

I have the utmost respect for whales. So if I ever contemplate suicide I will most definitely ocean myself.

Well yeah, I don't don't have a pot to piss in because I have what's known as a toilet, silly.

Not sure I believe in maps anymore because I don't believe in legends.

I don't star enough people. And now I'm punished. :(

I like how Twitter asks you if you are sure that you want to RT. As if you were wasted or something and just clicked around like an asshole.

What do paralyzed sleepwalkers do? Roll around the room for an hour or two?

Not enough people say things like "He's a dick but go ahead and love him."

Thanks @chastur218 for the exposure. Twitter's recommending that I follow @shitmydadsays so I'm pretty much fucked either way.

Talking about Hitler's perky anus. #waystogetunfollowed

I'm glad I don't have a cult following because those motherfuckers be crazy.

Had a burrito for lunch and now my room smells like I'm dead inside.

The sole purpose of a boner is to fuck somebody. Imagine that.

Confession. I like scratching off a piece of dirt from my phone and watch your avis move in a jerk-off like pattern. Sorry. :(

Sometimes I imagine my anal hairs dancing in the club when I'm passed out. Just kidding, I don't have any anal hairs.

Don't know about you, but falling asleep seems a lot less scary than falling awake.

Sometimes lightning does strike twice, but three strikes and you're out.

You know those "semi-asshole, soon to be perhaps, maybe, probably never, popular Twitter people?" I'm just like that.