If you name your baby girl Diamond, be pepared to buy G-string Pampers

I avoid the awkward silence after sex by promptly exiting the vehicle.

Purchased $10 worth of gas today. It was handed to me in a shot glass.

Almost hit some idiot talking on a cell phone on his scooter. I looked up from the tweet I was posting just in time.

Favstar: because being on Twitter alone isn't narcissistic enough

Is anyone looking for a worker who is always late, posts on Twitter and looks like crap half the time? I also have an armpit sweat problem.

Tweeting is like sex: if you suck at it you can always just watch.

If you haven't tried Wendy's natural cut fries yet,send your husband out in a tuxedo to play basketball for 2 hours then lick his ballsack.

I'd like to be diagnosed with a condition where I can just instinctively punch people in the mouth, then show them a doctor's note.

When is the day for women who still have tight vaginas?

If you don't take 10 seconds to stop rubbing your clit during doggystyle to reach behind and stroke his balls, the terrorists win.

It's a sad day in our world when a woman has to choose between breast implants and a full tank of gas

My husband wants to have a threesome. Where the hell do I find two women who want to have sex with him?

We can all rest easy tonight, knowing that we have't made a difference in the life of anyone, anywhere

How I shop for bikinis: Put on the bottom. Bend over in front of a mirror. If I can't see my labia, it goes back on the shelf.

I don't reaaly like the word peen. If its your husband, it's a dick; if it's your side man it's a cock; If it's your boss its job security

My husband knows when I cum because I fire the air horn I keep on the nightstand.

Thanks to Twitter, I actually look forward to red lights.

If you still watch Grey's Anatomy, please raise your hand.





Now, use that hand to smack yourself.

I have a solution to the teen pregnancy problem: anal sex