Pro tip: Mount a set of bicycle handlebars to the headboard of your bed. You're welcome.

She's not a slut. She's experienced.

If a guy catches me checking out his girl's ass, I give him a big smile and 2 thumbs up.

If I have a daughter, not going to potty train her. Best way to ensure she's brought home on time, is if she shits herself in the car.

My twitter. My tweets. Fuck off.

If you don't leave her on the bed curled up, naked, legs shaking and out of breath, you're doing it wrong.

I'll follow if you're funny, but not just cuz of your boobs...

No. I'd follow for boobs. Boobs are good, I like boobs.

What was I saying?

I'm an ass man.
And a boob man.
And a legs man.
And an eyes man.
And a smile man.
And lips.
And hair...

Fuck it, I'm just a love women man.

Seriously people, stop being such pussies and be a fucking parent.

You must be mistaking me for someone who gives a fuck.

Who decided that a white vinyl sticker on the back window of a car is the best way to memorialize someone?

I'm fluent in typo, you're fluent in dumb ass.

OK, fine. I give a little fuck sometimes. But only the tip, I swear.

So, you're smart, funny, bold, you tweet, AND you like to fuck?

I'd ask you to marry me but that would just ruin the relationship.

I just saw someone on twitter claim they have a life. Fucken liar.

I love watching my girlfriend masturbate, but she still doesn't like the fat foam finger I use to cheer her on.

Bad girls suck. Good girls swallow.

Hey you, fuckface. Yeah you, with the face. Fuck you and your face. You're welcome now fuck off!

When all else fails, spit on it.

My friend told me how Facebook had so much pussy on it. I was so disappointed when I realized he meant cat pictures.