It's not PMS if you've got it all month, sweetie, you're just a bitch.

The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

Marriage: I love you so much, I want a legal document to destroy you if you ever leave.

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

- No child ever.

Oh, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.

When your Twittercrush stops starring and RTing you, does that mean they're now your Twitterspouse?

Dear People Who Name and Shame When You Unfollow Them,

I unfollowed because you're dull and unfunny. But well done for announcing it.

A Twittercrush. A fake relationship where you can get your heart broken and still not get any sex. Where do I sign up?

I am going to ignore you, but you'd better fucking notice me ignoring you.

Cute how people say 'age is just a number,' instead of 'you're old, but I'd still fuck you.'

Let's play that game where you tell me what I want to hear and I pretend to believe you.

MEN WHO ACCUSE WOMEN OF NOT MAKING RATIONAL ARGUMENTS, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE...ooooh pretty shoes, I wonder if they're...mmmmchocolate

If you star all my tweets and never RT me, does that mean I'm your dirty little secret?

Young people want to look older. Old people want to look younger. And I just want to look like I know what I'm doing.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

Oh girls, it’s so easy to get a man to fall in love with you. Just be nice, give lots of blowjobs and hide the fact you’re entirely mental.

I really want a pet Canadian.

Sometimes you just want someone to understand you, when you don't understand yourself.

I've just been told I'm too nice to do slutty tweets. Now I feel sad. And horny.

Let’s fall in love so you can tell me everything that’s wrong with me.