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The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.
Marriage: I love you so much, I want a legal document to destroy you if you ever leave.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
- No child ever.
Oh, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.
I am going to ignore you, but you'd better fucking notice me ignoring you.
When your Twittercrush stops starring and RTing you, does that mean they're now your Twitterspouse?
Cute how people say 'age is just a number,' instead of 'you're old, but I'd still fuck you.'
I really want a pet Canadian.
Heart: I hurt :(
Brain: I know. Think about something else.
Vagina: I want attention.
Brain: Shush you, this is all your fault.
A Twittercrush. A fake relationship where you can get your heart broken and still not get any sex. Where do I sign up?
Dear People Who Name and Shame When You Unfollow Them,
I unfollowed because you're dull and unfunny. But well done for announcing it.
Let's play that game where you tell me what I want to hear and I pretend to believe you.
Young people want to look older. Old people want to look younger. And I just want to look like I know what I'm doing.
MEN WHO ACCUSE WOMEN OF NOT MAKING RATIONAL ARGUMENTS, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE...ooooh pretty shoes, I wonder if they're...mmmmchocolate
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
1. Join social network
2. Never be social ever again
I say haha. He says lol. It’ll never work.
Oh girls, it’s so easy to get a man to fall in love with you. Just be nice, give lots of blowjobs and hide the fact you’re entirely mental.
Sometimes you just want someone to understand you, when you don't understand yourself.
I like tennis.
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