cash for clunkers: the latest chapter in the brett favre saga.

i fucked your mom, ate a sandwich, fucked your mom again, and lied about the previous three statements all within a 140-character limit.

sir, that ezekiel 23:19-20 tattoo on your bicep is rather wordy. a pictorial interpretation would have been far more practical, no?

someone down the hall is listening to john mayer on repeat. or maybe it's not on repeat. I CAN'T FUCKING TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

on twitter, every day is “beat-this-meme-into-the-ground-until-it's-no-longer-funny-oh-wait-it-wasn't-funny-in-the-first-place” day.

I PUT THE “FUCK YOU” INTO CAPS LOCK.

even though it has been difficult, i have finally learned to accept the things about myself that i’m too lazy to change.

i can't remember the last time i needed a drink so badly (but if i think hard enough, it was probably yesterday).

there is something about spending time with my family that makes me not want to spend time with my family.

if three’s a crowd, then four’s a gang bang.

it turns out that drop kicking bunnies is not an "acceptable" coping strategy. i beg to differ.

you say “ketamine addiction” like it’s a bad thing.

goddamn these bunnies are fast. i was looking forward to drop kicking some of them, but i guess i'll have to keep punching bitches instead.

pretending to listen to your diatribe while putting a finger gun to my temple is about as much multi-tasking as i can muster right now.

i was put on this earth because, as everyone knows, scott baio jokes don't tell themselves.

i'm sorry. i was under the impression that our friendship was based on our mutual love for alcohol, not our mutual love for one another.

facebook chat can also suck a bag of dicks. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I WANT TO SOCIALLY NETWORK WITHOUT SOCIALLY INTERACTING.

it's time to play a little game i like to call "candy or pill?" (although i ought to just call it "pill," since i never play with candy).

the handbasket i’m going to hell in is filled with booze and blow. see, children? it pays to be a sinner.

question: how much would this $2.50 ice cream cone appreciate in value if i threw it in your face? answer: exponentially.