All of my best dinner prayers include "ride or die" in them somewhere.

I was walking at the beach today and I noticed two sets of prints. Why do you only follow me in good times horseshoe crab?

7,000 a day just isn't enough. What twitter really needs is more jokes about auto-correct

The top two ingredients in all food products at McDonald's are high-fructose corn syrup & guano.

If that part in the 28th amendment of the U.S. Constitution about freedom fries doesn't bring a tear to your eye then you are an automaton

I like my coffee like I like my women- creamy white, smoking hot, Russian, and with a spoon in them. Also no lumps.

All of the people with bonus features have willfully & willingly decided to not feed a starving child in Africa. #ohthehumanity

Sweet- preapproved credit card from Orchard Bank! This is just the break I needed. Drinks are on me tonight.

After some initial waffling I now fully support the abolitionist movement.

Spoiler alert: from the movie The Thing, at one point it morphs into the progressive insurance lady 'biker chick', so yes it's horrifying!

If I get reincarnated I wanna come back as a rich baby.

From way up here on my Kush cloud you all look like a bunch of little ants. Funny little ants.

The fucking lisp on the carfax car fox make me wanna punch my tv

Twitter & weed go together like extacy & weed

90% chance the two guys from American Pickers die from spider bites

I always say "what's poppin' slime" to my homies and to my sauteed spinach when I reheat it in the microwave.

1. University of Cambridge(2)

2. Harvard University(1)

3. University of Oxford(3)

4. Education Connection(NR)

5. Yale University(4)

Doing a where r they now search, but I know I'd be living on easy street if only I had gotten that role on Different Strokes. Lucky bastards

1. The Godfather

2. Citizen Kane

3. Casablanca

4. Real Steel

5. Raging Bull

I can barely dunk a basketball. Unless I'm standing on top of my dick. Then easily.