Never underestimate your IT department. We have all of your nude pics.

American football is like rugby, after you take all the fun out of rugby and pad them up like little sissys

Sarah Palin isn´t a person, it´s a manifistation of ignorant redneck America.

Don´t really get people who go to the gym to feel younger and healthier, I always feel old and violated when I get back from the gym.

I need to genetically manipulate a chicken to lay tacos instead of eggs.

I think my body is punishing me for being sober, I feel like when I have a hangover but with none of the fun leading up to it.

My brain is a trainwreck today, I think it has been cheating on me with my shrivled up boozedrenched liver.. that slut.

There is not enough tinfoil in the world to block out all the misplaced patriotism on the internet.

Emotional baggage is only useful if you can use it as a weapon of mass destruction and sell it on the black market.

I don't drink to make women look better, I drink to make myself look less like a serial killer.

I have built a trap for this elusive creature called a calm collected woman.

I wonder if R Kelly is just waiting for the right moment to take a piss on Justin Bieber.

The most intelligent thing I will do today is probably using my cock as a way to carry donuts around.

Never tell a woman she smells like fish but taste like chicken.

One of the few things that actually scare the shit out of me is babies.. and they are fucking out to get me.

Stretch marks, the fat kids battle scars.

No more tweeting today. Have to spend time with my real life imaginary friends.

What is this Labia country you speak of... you mean to tell me Gadaffi is the dictator of pussy?

Sometimes twitter is even worse then sex. On twitter I actually have to perform well.

America, the land where people don´t belive in evolution, but still thinks wrestling is for real.