BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake account mocking the oil company. Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.

So FOX News is calling bike lanes "socialist"? Good, they can shut the fuck up when I ride in the middle of the car lanes, then.

RT @mjoffen: I have 3 cats. You know what THAT means ~ I'm just 2 cats away from a Voltron.

I've said it before, but TODAY SUCKS LIKE A TYRANNOSAURUS TRYING TO FIELD GROUND BALLS.

If anyone tries to "reboot" The Goonies I swear I'm going to blow up the Hollywood sign.

Likewise. WTF? “@joemande: Jesus Christ, I’m in complete agreement with Glenn Beck. What is happening?  https://twitter.com/glennbeck/status/325469588034838529 …”

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Texts from Bennett might be the most hilarious Tumblr I've ever read. Nearly peed myself laughing: http://t.co/8D5C9NA8

Help spread the word: I'm trying to sell 1000 t-shirts before next Friday (the 11th) to raise capital for my business: http://t.co/BI2AqW2B

Congrats, Whitney Houston! One year, drug-free! #fb

Gene Rosen should serve as an example to all of us:  http://ow.ly/gaWIZ  #fb

Go. Read this.  http://davidsimon.com/inevitabilities-and-barack-obama/ …

Can't believe all the fireworks and beer drinking going down over the discovery of the Higgs boson. #ScienceFuckYeah

Probably outsourced. RT @eshep: The Romney campaign's new iPhone app misspelled America. http://t.co/8CdWqzae (via @buzzfeedandrew )

Wait. Wait wait wait....Tupac DIED?

Any intelligent species that develops pornography will eventually develop an Internet to distribute it.

RT @scottwesterfeld Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his pizza? He ate it before it was cool. *ba dum bum*

RT @samj: OH: "I wish I were a foetus or a corporation, so the Republicans would treat me like a human."

I'm looking for a new interactive mktg manager-level gig in the Twin Cities. No contract/temp positions. Resumé: http://ow.ly/5UqmJ #mnjobs

Seriously, @vikings, dumping @chriswarcraft is a real shitty thing to do. World needs more pro athletes of his intellect/temperament.