@otoolefan Isn't Charlie Sheen the best example why it wouldnt break this country to reinstate a 4% marginal tax on super-rich people?

The next person that tells me how far they jogged gets to learn how much I masturbate.

@maaouad Pornhub when I have a mission. Youjizz when I want randomness. #masturbation

I'm thinking that 'OMG! We have the same last name!' is enough for me to snag a date with Emma Stone - FOOLPROOF.

#ThatAwkwardMoment when you are waiting for the train, hear Cajuns talking and then realize IT'S COMING FROM YOU! #SwampAss

DON'T RUN WITH YOGA BALLS #ThingsILearnedFromRidiculousness

@darinlovesbacon Because its so unbelievably stupid and ZING 'it's on tv and WE COULDA TOTALLY THOUGHT OF THIS'

@rosentv It WAS a winner! I'll have to go through the rest of your timeline and star as needed next time I have to take a shit

@otoolefan Oh my. @commmarine <- Not behaving patriotically. I wonder what my Major General uncle would think? :(

@senderblock23 there's also a rumor that nothing else matters - what a conundrum

Guys, I don't know anything about Thatcher Prime - was she Autobot or Decepticon, I need to know if this death is good or bad :(

@adamhammer Not having enough guns, obviously.

@chinacatcrystal OMG YOUR'E GONNA SHAVE YOUR DOG AND EAT THE HAIR?!?!

If you believe 'uncertainty' is an issue, punch yourself in the vagina.If you punched yourself in the vagina, you deserved it, Vagina-person

If you haven't pissed your pants while unintentionally keying your door, because you don't have a yard, you've never gotten drunk in NY.

@kjmeow LOL! Not true, but hahhhahaha!

THAT WAS AN INFIELD FLY! #SFGiants

If Reggie gets barred for that I'm pretty sure what I heard in my section last week will lead to death by ferret cuts sentencings to fans

@ahmsideb Here you go lady, the story of 'Oolong' is quite adorable and very touching :) http://bit.ly/dOMONN