Is it possible to masturbate so much your clit overheats? Yes, yes it is.

Y'all are funny tonight, kind of tickles my twitoris.

New word I'll be using: texturbating. Yeah, I'm merriam fucking Webster.

My friend is texting me about a lump in her husbands balls, how did I become the friend to text about such issues?

Unless you have no bottom jaw, shut your mouth when you chew.

Fuck you words with friends!! Slut is totally a word!

Teachers are amazing. Acting like I give a shit about other people's kids for 8 hours a day is not a possibility for me.

Ever go to walmart on a Friday night? I'm the sexiest bitch here and I'm wearing pj pants and no bra.

If you smoke with your kids in the car you're an inconsiderate douchefuck. #serioustweet

If you order adult meals for your 4y/o, you JUST might be a fat mother fucker.

I just had oatmeal, it's so weird. Do I chew? just swallow? It's confusing. Fuck you oatmeal.

If you wear a looney toons shirt, you should be sterilized.

Home tweeting on a Friday night...it's how you know I'm a parent.

Realized that the 2 tabs open on the laptop are a toy store and a sex toy store. Who says my life isn't balanced?

It's weird to see a tweet stolen, especially when so many of us have followers in common. Not so much weird, but douchetacular.

Why is the Plan B one-step the ad on half my apps, does my phone think I'm a whore?

Lady gave me a dirty look for breastfeeding in the grocery store today. Yes, I'm a hippie and my tits are better than yours. Next.

Dude, I actually got hate tweets from people over my snooki tweet. Whoa, fucking orange midget cult.

Who the fuck watches Glee?? I just saw the preview and now want to drown a kitten.

Wow. These kids have methodically located their most annoying fucking toys this morning.