Falling asleep-

Drunk: covered in vomit on the street
Stoned: in bed, full of ice cream

Why is marijuana illegal again?

YES I WANT FRIES WITH THAT!!! Do you think I'm at Jack in the Box at 9am because I have dignity and self respect???

I'm not speaking slow to "insult you"

I'm speaking slow because I have to For. You. To. Under.stand. Me.

You look mad? Not slow enough?

Just drove for a half hour behind a guy texting on his motorcycle. Where's Darwin when you need him?

Me: "take a fucking picture it'll last longer! Like I'm the first guy you've seen bite his toenails."

People at the bus stop are assholes

You put the "whore" in whorrible cook.

::things that get you stabbed in your sleep::

Confronted my neighbor and asked if he's the one that has been fucking my horses.

He said nay

Looks like the short bus just pulled up to twitterville. For the love of god I hope some of you are wearing helmets.

Jello= fruit flavored cow cartilage.

Fuck you Bill Cosby.... Fuck you

Just answered the door naked for the Jehovah's Whiteness'. Needless to say they didn't want to come in. Hope they come back. #lonely

Went camping in the ghetto last night. Saw three drive by shooting stars.

Twitter: people spouting pointless, useless, nonsense in the hopes that someone will give them a cookie...sad

**Please comment, star and RT

Shower Time:

[X] Warrant's "Cherry Pie" blasting on repeat
[ ] windows and blinds closed
[X] Loofah lavender soaked

Lets fucking do this

Uhhhggg.... smells like somebody tweeted in here :(

I don't think it would bother me as much if they were called "manly" boobs.

If you don't want someone to get your goat, don't let them know where you tie it up.

Is it bad when after a long day you hear "it's time to put the kids to sleep" if you first thought is of Old Yeller?

After watching this guy throw McDonald's out his convertible. I then watched his 3yr old daughter throw about 25 cd's one at a time.

Karma

Respect to the native Americans who were here first. Of course I'm not surprised they got in first, you know, having reservations and all.

Are there plus sized men's underwear models? I'm ready to rock their world!