@frageelay's most faved Tweets...
Phone call with my mom in the hospital: "Somebody stuck their finger up my ass; I don't know who." Me: "I've been to parties like that."
Ten years ago Dan and I had sex. This morning, the product of that union just did the 'pump-action shotgun' sound followed by a fart sound.
Before loudly announcing that you "like it in the can" on a crowded train, be sure your fellow passengers are aware you mean Diet Coke.
Our coffee maker died this morning. Visitation will be from 4 to 6 p.m. today with a funeral mass right after I murder everyone in sight.
I dropped 7 eggs on the kitchen floor moments after the 5 y.o. dropped a gallon of milk. We just added flour and sugar and called it a day.
Things I never thought I'd say before bath time: "You're not putting those fake vampire teeth on your penis, are you?"
My people eat every part of the doughnut, including the powdered sugar that falls on our boob shelves.
The boys: "And penises." "And barf!" Me: "Huh?" Dan: "They're listing all the things they can't talk about at the table. At the table."
Marriage 2.0: Hearing him laugh when I yell "Asshole!" from my downstairs office every time he pokes me on Facebook.
After I explained what a BM is, the 10 y.o. immediately turned to his 6 y.o. brother and said, "You piece of BM."
I may have let the 5-year-old think we were shopping for "chicken breath" at the grocery store. Some mistakes are too awesome to correct.
For 8 years, you bleated about patriotism, and now you're screeching that it's 'indoctrination?' Get bent, you fucking hypocrite neocons.
The 7 y.o.: "What's it like being a grown-up?"
"Why?"
(duh voice) "Because I want to be prepared for it when I get there."
"Why?"
(duh voice) "Because I want to be prepared for it when I get there."
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