I'm Homy .... I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.

I have a twitter crush on a woman who's a philosophy major and she doesn't even know I exist.
And what's worse is that she can prove it.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, that's probably also a nice, isolated spot to bury the body.

I'm not calling you a slut, but I'm pretty sure I saw your vagina on Groupon.

My Favorite sex tape is duct.

There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.

When I was younger it wasn't called bipolar, it was called 'being a dick'.

Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.

When the nice lady at Walgreens asks if you have questions about your Vicodin; 'What's the street value' is not the response she is after.

I can admit when you're wrong.

54% of married women say their dog is a better listener than their husband... and 100% of dogs say this crazy bitch won't shut up.

I like your hair, can I pull it from behind?

‎9 out of 10 guys like girls with curves, the other 1 likes the other 9 guys....

You may get 20 stars, but it's hollow if the one person you want to star it doesn't. When they do, it doesn't matter how many else do.

The look on my face the first time I ever saw boobs is the same look as the last time I saw boobs.

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.

On twitter.... No one can hear you scream....

FOUND MY CAR KEYS! They were under the couch with a note that said "Good job you found us". Apparently drunk me is a real asshole.

Does anyone know if we should leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace for Satan on Halloween?

If you were a drug... I would happily overdose.