My daughter just showed me her spelling test that got 3 gold stars, I said big fucking deal my last tweet got 15

My daughter just asked me daddy what's twitter...I said its where daddy gets the attention he doesn't get at home

I wonder if the Muppets ever have sex with no strings attatched

Yay! Its my lucky day I found 100$ in my wifes wallet!

Logging into Facebook these days is like waiting till 4am to pick up the fat chick in the bar

Aah the Kentucky Derby......Does it get any whiter?

Just filled my wifes nose spray with chloroform

I will have the remote control tonight

Guys who wear white socks up to their knees with sandals


Teach me, I want to learn

I don't tweet for 2 days and I lose 20 followers, I ignore my wife for a week and shes still here.....can't win

I would love to be a woman for one day......just to see how it feels to be right about everything and know everything....I'm so jealous

If these walls could talk they would say "Who the fuck picked this color?"

Somewhere in the world right now a couple is patiently waiting for Viagra to kick in

Apparently skipping rocks on the local pool with people in it is frowned upon..

Im waterboarding my wife to find out where she's hiding my kids Oreos

Amy Winehouse autopsy results are in and its just as suspected

D) All of the above

I always leave the picture of the family that comes with the frame on my night stand...Just so my wife and kids know they can be replaced

I love getting my wife loaded at parties!

so when we get home she goes right to sleep

Does spreading Hummus on this bread with my legs crossed make me look gay?

I don't tweet for 11 hours and none of you fucks come looking for me? I could have been on MYSPACE!

Ive got ninety cock balls tits fuuuuuckin nine problems and tourettes is one

~cray-Z