Dear Dog Next Door, why are you barking? Please stop involving the neighborhood in your existential crisis. Sincerely yours, STFU.

Having a hard time with all this Sheenenfreude.

This Benedryl is helping me feel sleepy, but it's also making me really unsure about whose limbs these are.

Well, good news guys: only 29 years and 10 months left in my mortgage!

"Let's go to the Microsoft Store!"

- Nobody

I'm pretty sure chapstick is a gateway drug.

I'm renaming Monday to NOOOOOOOOOO.

I wonder how many serial killer jokes I have to make until people start suspecting something... so, one then?

And then, sometimes Life's all like, "Well, here's a cup of bees, asshole!"

Most common bumper sticker should actually be "I brake for reasons illogical, mysterious, and clandestine".

Overhead light turned on again by itself, this time at 5am. Do I call an electrician or an exorcist? I'm asking for the demon.

I wish there were courier services that delivered punches to the face. For all of my long-distance assault and battery needs.

Sooo excited for the incoming cold snap! The air will finally match the temperature of my cold, black heart!

Quick Tip #2 for Those with a Corn Allergy: If you like a food then FUCK YOU BECAUSE IT HAS CORN IN IT.

It's the ultimate compliment when my cat starts grooming me, it's just too bad that it freaks everyone out so much when I return the favor.

I smell something burning! It smells like Sarah Palin's brain trying to make a thought!

Quick, I think I'm getting sick, so I wanted to ask: when I puke, do I get those Weight Watchers points back?

The most effective celebrity diet is Photoshop.

I think coffee needs a Nobel Peace prize.

If the Apple earbuds actually fit, it's a witch.