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Sometimes, the funhouse I live in is ironic, at best.
I raised the roof.
It left home.
Everything got ruined the first time it rained.
The reason I'm on twitter is because it's like Disneyland for my thumb.
The gratitude I get from this job reminds me of nothing.
zero fucks sold plus no fucks given 1 fuck came back minus receipt but with 2 shits & a rat's ass crazy that shit made me probably stolen
Tried getting over myself.
Ended up stuck wearing an asshat.
I more than like the way bowl of soup sounds in the middle.
Above is what I call a thinking person's tweet.
For your information, I didn't even ride in on a horse.
And even if I did, I don't suppose you saw which way he went.
This tweet wouldn't even work if it could stay at home and get paid to sleep.
"I found my towels in the bowels of an owl.” ~my reply to a sales lady who asked me what brought me into Bed, Bath & Beyond
If we really landed on the moon, then does that mean I'm adopted?
If you must know, the reason I need a bat cave is because I already have the phone.
The reason I'm on twitter is because occasionally your mom gets off me to make me some coffee.
Every time my travels take me around the world, it occurs to me how much easier it would've been if I had just turned left.
Life wouldn’t be so hard, had I a hammock and a yard.
Sorry I haven't written in you lately.
To be fair, it's not all my fault.
Every time I write in you, I ruin my pen.
Really hard to tell which part of what's happening right now mainly just has to do with my old age. Okay, maybe late middle ages.. Whatever.
What makes my claw-footed Smart tub a boat that floats, you ask?
Not sure really.
It does do this thing I call 'bionic doggie-paddling'.
What can I say? A whole lotta exotic sheep dancers got stuck on a pole last night while I was counting 'em and transformed it into lambpost.
Food swings. Get your motor running.. #jedtw 39
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