Do you know how many poisonous apples I'd have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

I think my neighbor's dog is in heat. She's been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.

Running out of toilet paper before finishing is almost as bad as waking up naked in an alley. Not as bad, but close.

Men who honk at women are saying - I like you, I think you're pretty, I want to know you but if you cannot run as fast as my car, it's over.

Guys with facial tattoos did so because they got tired of their parents asking when they were going to get a job.

I had a completely different idea when my wife asked if I wanted BJ's for dinner. I've never been so disappointed to eat pizza.

I listened to a whole Taylor Swift song before realizing it was her. I'm tweeting this as my car and I sink to the bottom of the ocean.

@realjonlovitz people give up a lot of time and money to create financial freedom, this should not be treated as a bad thing.

I wonder how many times Freddy Mercury heard "OW, LESS TEETH, LESS TEETH"

Turkey is to Bacon is the same as Andy Dick is to Acting

I'm old enough to remember when prison movies had nothing but white guys in them.

I'm better looking than you tell people I am.

Do you think that the better a black actor's agent is, the longer he'll stay alive in a movie?

Fake bullet hole stickers on your truck says I'm an outlaw but I cry during most Disney movies.

You know you've gone a long time without sex when you start to fantasize about your significant other.

Twitter users could make the best homeless signs ever.

Being told "no" is a real mood killer.

Even my imaginary friends would beat me up as a kid. Try explaining an imaginary bruise to your mom.

My daughter - "the restaurants in our town are so bad their signs say "Sorry We're Open"
Me - "you'll do fine on twitter"

Twilight Saga was made for the people who couldn't understand Harry Potter