Had period sex with a guy last night. It was fine except I wanted to be Victorian and he wanted to do Roaring 20's.

When life gives you gay lemons, make pink lemonade.

I hate when my 'fat pants' try to become my normal pants. It's rude.

Girls who say heels are comfortable should not be trusted.

When I email someone with an aol address I just assume they're probably dead.

Maybe YOU gained a couple pounds, scale!

I know I'm magical cause when I sweep my floor I find glitter.

So, when does everything I picked out on pinterest arrive in the mail?

Just ate a hotdog and it went straight to my penis.

"Summer Nights" from Grease is cool until that line "did she put up a fight." Kind of rapey, you guys.

Saw girls selling friendship bracelets at the beach. When I was a kid we made them for our friends and gave them away for free, like IDIOTS!

Fruit is FILTHY until you run it under water for 10 seconds and then put it in your mouth.

75% of all my socks end in divorce.

When I was young we could just cheat and not publicly apologize to anyone.

I'd respect science more if they funded a study to figure out what percentage of a woman's life is spent actively trying to hold in farts.

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

Asking the stewardess to brew me decaf is officially the most obnoxious thing I've ever done (today)!

The best breakup line is telling someone she's a "fine girl" but your life, your love and your lady is the sea.

I love fun grandparent sayings like "shiver me timbers" and "We hope you're not gay."

My cabdriver just said "everybody lives for themselves but the beauty is when we live for others" about a cab blocking our way. #crying