@freebrian's (Brianiac) most faved Tweets...
Broke a tooth today while eating a English muffin. Damn, just eating their food makes my teeth British.
Pro Tip: if you're female and ever mention to a male that you are "curious" there is only one thing he is thinking about at that point.
To the person who parked within 6 inches of me, as a little present, here- you can have some nice dings.
Last night was going to the bathroom, the dog walked in, saw me, thought 'wait, you can do that indoors?!?' and promptly peed on the carpet.
I don't really care that salad is low calorie and supposedly healthy. It's still seriously lacking in vitamins F,L,A,V,O & R
Since the dog got a squeaky toy, the housemate thought it would be ok to get a electronic piano. Now have 2 unwanted musicians in the house.
OH SHIT! Less the 110 shopping days till Christmas. I wasted the whole weekend. Hope I can get a parking place at the mall tomorrow.
Dog spends 30min sniffing to find exactly the right spot to poo. Doesn't realize his butt is 2 ft away.
Damn lefty protesters and all their bright orange 'End Road Construction' protest signs! Get out of my country!
And thy number be 2550. Thou shalt not stop at tweet 2549 nor be less then snortingly funny at 2551, but this tweet shall be known as 2550.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.
Ok, yeah I screwed up and ordered Chinese food instead of BBQ for the office lunch. This is why we don't have spice wings.
Still in the 70s here in Alabama.
And not just politics and moral issues, that's the temperature too.
And not just politics and moral issues, that's the temperature too.
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Wrapping bottles of booze in glitter paper for a present. One is a travel size. It's the runt of the glitter.
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Lady at the store checkout in front of me buying 80 different kinds of produce, each of which has to be weighed. I hate you.
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