The only thing I'm a pro at is crastinating.

Twinkies are gross. People who like Twinkies are gross. (I'm gross.)

Where are the cupcakes? - me every day.

The good news about having curly hair is you never have to grow out a terrible perm. The bad news is you were born with one.

I just ate FOUR cake balls in a row. So don't say I never do anything, MOM.

It's flattering when a friend wants to set you up. But when your waxing lady offers, that's a real top to bottom endorsement.

Steve Carell's wife and I get our hair cut at the same salon. So there's that. #bored

Just wrote "I'm fretty pree that day" in an email. I almost left the typo bc I sort of love it & it feels right even though it's wrong.

Wait. The Trojan Vibrations commercials and the "actors" in them are actually scarier than all Alien movies put together.

Turns out if you address an executive named Tony as "Tiny" in an email, everyone will notice before you do. #oops

FYI: Do not try to Shazam a television show to find out what it is because that doesn't work. And also my phone is making me stupid.

Forget baby steps. I'm just going to step on all the babies.

P.S. My parents have also decided to designate their own grandparent names. Everyone, please welcome Fancy & Bingo. Yeah, you heard me.

Thx to my baby brother for taking one for the team by finally giving our parents a grandchild. ("Whew!" exclaimed my ovaries.)

"HAVE YOU DISCOVERED I-TUNES?!" - mom just now (she was yelling over the music). Guess who just got a laptop? Please standby, AppleCare.

Guys, please avoid these in your online dating handle: peace, kiss, tiger, chillin, magic, king, 4U, lover/luvr, dawg, vajayjay. Thanks.

Ginger ale is great to soothe an upset stomach, but it burns coming out of your nose--FYI. #stomachbug #pretty

Had that dream where I'm at school without any pants. But the real panic was worrying someone would notice I was wearing clogs. #anxiety

A new pimple on the end of your nose let's everyone know that you started the day by giving up.

"Find a partner"--my least favorite phrase uttered by yoga teachers in a room full of strangers whom I don't want to partner with ever.