seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s

at my funeral don't let anybody say my spirit is among you - i will NOT be there i have better things to do

homeless man said "c'mon baby, i'll protect you" as we walked into traffic now i'm mrs. homeless man

gonna try out calling this dude his dog's name in bed for fun

c'mon phone let's get out of here

i eat a lot of wrappers accidentally cause they are in my way

just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent

i really had no idea life would go on this long

yes i have a lot of photos of myself on my phone but it's so that if you steal it you will fall in love with me and give it back

i bet serial killers watch dexter and are all like "that is SO not how it is"

if i'm ever on a reality tv show i'd be like "oooooh my bad i came here to make friends"

next time i have a crush just gonna change my last name to theirs on fb and see what happens

got my rape whistle and my just kidding whistle so this evening is all set

GUYS: we have big purses because we carry a lot of food in them. we take a long time in the bathroom cause we're eating it

"We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them." - John Waters

i'm trying to find the words to describe this squirrel without being disrespectful

one time my legs itched so bad i pulled down my jeans in an alley to scratch them

life plan: 1) learn to bake really amazing pies 2) get a boob job 3) get married 4) get divorced 5) implant ruptures 6) die in a lighthouse

what if i'm already at home and i want to go big

it's nice the nickelback man and the angry girl found love i think that's nice