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seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
ah i seeeee i thought when you said you wanted to start a family it was understood i would be the baby
at my funeral don't let anybody say my spirit is among you - i will NOT be there i have better things to do
i really had no idea life would go on this long
i eat a lot of wrappers accidentally cause they are in my way
homeless man said "c'mon baby, i'll protect you" as we walked into traffic now i'm mrs. homeless man
c'mon phone let's get out of here
gonna try out calling this dude his dog's name in bed for fun
are you someone's "the one who got away?" just ask! constantly. email, text, go to their work, hide in their backseat
yes i have a lot of photos of myself on my phone but it's so that if you steal it you will fall in love with me and give it back
what if i'm already at home and i want to go big
next time i have a crush just gonna change my last name to theirs on fb and see what happens
i bet serial killers watch dexter and are all like "that is SO not how it is"
if i'm ever on a reality tv show i'd be like "oooooh my bad i came here to make friends"
GUYS: we have big purses because we carry a lot of food in them. we take a long time in the bathroom cause we're eating it
got my rape whistle and my just kidding whistle so this evening is all set
"We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them." - John Waters
my wedding day: 1) invite all my exes 2) no one else 3) there is no wedding 4) burn down the church
don't forget to put on clothes and paint your face to make yourself attractive enough that someone will want to sleep with you for 1-3 years
don't hug me i have a chocolate milk in my pocket!