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My favorite part of sex is when the announcer yells "FINISH HIM!!!" and then my girlfriend rips out my spine.
I get chicks so crazy wet and it's not even hard with this hose and I love being nude and no, officer, you are the one who's under arrest
"Now youre just somebody I used to know" I whisper to Ronald McDonald as I slowly slide off his lap and back into the ball pit where I live.
Can't believe Nickelodeon shows porn now. Or that it changed its name to youporn.com. So crazy!
Bubble wrap toilet paper.
Boom! Your mind just got blown.
Give me a sandwich and I'll eat for a meal. TEACH me to sandwich and one of us is on drugs.
My stupid dog will NOT stop talking about how good these shrooms are.
Whenever I'm feeling nostalgic I like to get on AOL Instant Messenger and flirt with 14 year olds for a few hours.
My ketchup bottle is hitting on me and maybe I should let it fuck me tonight?
If wearing a Speedo and lip synching Britney Spears is gay, then I think the guy hitting on me might be gay.
This guy riding the elevator with me is a real pervert. He won't stop staring at my naked body.
I'm not a piece of meat buddy!
No animals were harmed during the making of this baby. A few may have been watching though.
Remind me to never bring this much scotch to an 8 year old's birthday party ever again. These kids can barely even finish half a bottle!
The produce section at the grocery is pretty much just the poor man's butt plug section.
Patrick Swayze just called me! He said he was my mom and he's worried my drinking has caused me to hallucinate. He's such an idiot!
Asshole neighbor just called the cops on me for abandoning (parking) my pathetic car on my street. Time to "abandon" his daughter in my bed.
If the Doug Funny theme song ever comes on at a bar that I'm at, I'm going to absolutely lose my shit.
Freezing rain is officially my least favorite type of rain, narrowly edging out acid and men.
Hey I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but those were roofies,
let's make a baby.
I need some help writing my résumé. Where do I put my fastest time to drink an entire milkshake? Right after my name? Ok, perfect.