"Sorry I'm late, but let me explain." -The inventor of the snooze button at the initial presentation

"Ok, sure." -Nicolas Cage, after reading any script

Great, now I'm terrified of zombie Bin Laden.

The final episode of Larry King Live better answer all the unanswered questions or I'm gonna be pissed.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.

If Eminem is in an iced tea commercial then Ice-T should be in an M&M commercial.

Oh wait, I found the rest of the Mayan calendar. We're good.

You might want to scale back on calling yourself an "everything bagel." I mean, right away I can see there are no M&M's on here.

S&P to downgrade Twitter to 120 characters.

iSad.

Today I saw a back to school commercial and I got really sad and then I remembered I'm an adult and I got really sad.

"You truly are...a good wife." - The last line of The Good Wife

I get very stressed out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.

"Ohhhhh." -First person to peel open a banana

I still can't believe 'the Machine' left 'Rage Against' to join 'Florence and.'

Prop 8 is overturned! This is the best Shark Week ever!

Tomorrow I'm calling a guy who interviewed me 5 years ago asking where I saw myself in 5 years to let him know that I was wrong.

"You're tired." -Donald Trump, putting his kids to bed

I've never not opened an ironing board that didn't sound like a screaming pterodactyl.

"What are you doing?" -the first guy to be waved at