My wife asked me to show her how Twitter works. I panicked and had her committed to a mental ward.

A woman will fuck and suck a man, exchange bodily fluids orally and rectally, but try your luck with her toothbrush.

If I have to call a Dr because I've had an erection for 4 hrs, she better be ready to fuck.

I am seriously in search of a female who can suck my dick until my skull caves in. Any takers?

@lilpwoppa It's called the "taint". It taint ass and it taint vagina. So there you go.

A love story: I met her somewhere. I fucked her everywhere. I left her somewhere. Can't remember her name. The end.

Now my wife won't give me head because it would taste like a skanky whore. How does she know what a skanky whore tastes like?

The last thing I want to do is hurt my wife. It is, however, pretty high on the list.

It's all fun and games until the homicide detectives show up.

I'm so hungry my asshole just sued my mouth for non-support.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I can't even remember the last time I gave a rat's ass about anything. That is all.

My new girlfriend tells me that that the constant penile discharge and the burning sensation when I pee is normal. I'm beginning to doubt it

I hate everyone on Jersey Shore. That is all.

Have a good night. Rest in the knowledge that you are not my target tonight.

@funnynotfound They weren't good followers or they'd still be there. You're better off.

@laurengiles You can also tell him that you like to see guys take it up both ends at the same time. That would do it for me.

@laurengiles So that's why I woke up with all that jizz in my shorts. It was fantastic by the way.