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Things I wished I liked, because it'd make my life easier: 1.God 2.Babies 3.Marriage 4.Sports 5.Shopping 6.Reality shows 7.Small talk
"You get an abortion! You get an abortion! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU ALL GET ABORTIONS!" - Oprah, straightening out our society.
I have a muffin top. Are my tits weird? I'm healthy & pretty. Jesus, make time for sit-ups. I will die alone.- Buzz in a woman's head.
I did the splits today! The fact that it happened after I slipped in dog shit while mowing the lawn shouldn't downgrade this achievement.
I leave a slug-like trail of awkward everywhere I go.
Mom: I hope you have some mace!
Me: Nope, but I have my horrifically unattractive personality. So, I'll be just fine.
A new series like Friends, but it takes place in a grocery store where the pals pretend they don't see each other & leave w/out chatting.
Refuse to laugh w/me in line @ the bank when an old lady farts in front of us once, shame on you. Wait, no, shame on me. Yeah, that's on me.
Pal:"What's all that?"
Me:"I went on an evening bike ride, so it's likely a bunch of gnats that suffocated in the oil slick I call my face."
Baby's first dick pic.
This #1 dad in front of me is driving like a piping hot, fresh piece of #2.
You think you gave me a run-down of your Thanksgiving menu, but you actually helped me gauge the size & consistency of your weekend shits.
God God God drill baby drill boo homos boo homos magic Mormon underwear God - Mitt Romney
I just walked by a house and saw a family eating dinner together in that room where people store their big table and chairs.
I spy, with my little eyes, a bank teller named Chardonnay.
There's a lot of information on the Internet. Did you know that some women fuck bedposts?
I think I've reached the whittling phase of life.
As I spoke to 4 civilized human beings, a tick crawled out from my bra & scurried across my chest, exposing me as the garbage person I am.