Things I wished I liked, because it'd make my life easier: 1.God 2.Babies 3.Marriage 4.Sports 5.Shopping 6.Reality shows 7.Small talk

"You get an abortion! You get an abortion! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU ALL GET ABORTIONS!" - Oprah, straightening out our society.

I have a muffin top. Are my tits weird? I'm healthy & pretty. Jesus, make time for sit-ups. I will die alone.- Buzz in a woman's head.

I leave a slug-like trail of awkward everywhere I go.

Mom: I hope you have some mace!
Me: Nope, but I have my horrifically unattractive personality. So, I'll be just fine.

A new series like Friends, but it takes place in a grocery store where the pals pretend they don't see each other & leave w/out chatting.

This #1 dad in front of me is driving like a piping hot, fresh piece of #2.

You think you gave me a run-down of your Thanksgiving menu, but you actually helped me gauge the size & consistency of your weekend shits.

God God God drill baby drill boo homos boo homos magic Mormon underwear God - Mitt Romney

I just walked by a house and saw a family eating dinner together in that room where people store their big table and chairs.

There's a lot of information on the Internet. Did you know that some women fuck bedposts?

I think I've reached the whittling phase of life.

As I spoke to 4 civilized human beings, a tick crawled out from my bra & scurried across my chest, exposing me as the garbage person I am.

"I'm going to be a lobbyist when I grow up."- What this whiny, asshole 5-year-old at the next table over probably told his mom this AM.

My lack of charisma functions as a much better deterrent against potential attackers than even the thickest cloud of mace ever could.

I just unwittingly inhaled someone's fart deep into my lungs at the gym while listening to NPR's Fresh Air.

Tales from my fb feed: How do I determine my worth as a human being if I don't have a scale to tell me I'm pretty? pic.twitter.com/cI5ephRLkg

With the power of a thousand suns, my anger burns. Ignited by my overhearing 2 women compare boxy Coach purses. 1 pink, 1 grey. 4 dead eyes.

I'm over here at the table in the back, alone, not giving a shit about Arrested Development.

My greatest fear, as a true American: driving around, unaware that I have a plastic grocery bag twisted up in the front bumper of my car.