"Teacher, teacher, what does a star mean?" "It means you wrote something brilliant."



"Or something so stupid I couldn't stop laughing."

I like that facebook suggests I be friends with Anne Hathaway. I should be friends with Anne Hathaway. In fact Anne: You're missing out!

Are you going to star my tweet, or do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?

I am now grading my pupils with stars. It's only a matter of time before it's the official system anyway.

Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time?




Are you trying it now?

People only refer to their blogs on twitter because they're not intelligent enough to say what they want in 140 characters or less,while I o

Teaching the kids that God made Eve from Adam's rib. "Oh, so it's like when Indiana Jones ripped that guys heart out!?" Yes. Yes, exactly.

If you think you can't buy happiness, I'm pretty sure you haven't looked on ebay...

Homeless person asked me for some money. I asked him what he wanted it for. "I'm buying you coffee" was his response. New one.

You starred a really stupid tweet.
I do judge you just a little..

But after all - I wrote the damned thing...

Confused is my middle name.

Or was it my first? Wait.

Some ppl write on their page that they probably wont followback.I pobably will though..unless your ass is in the pic.Not a fan of tweet-ass

If you don't like me singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall" with the 8th graders, don't ask me to substitute for the music teacher...

Dear God.
Please don't put the sunrise in my rear-view mirror anymore. It's really quite dangerous. Thank you.

How to make your wife happy:1:Always buy two sizes of whatever it is she wanted.One that fits,one itsy bitsy tiny weeny.2:Switch size labels

Hate-tweeting while you drive is the new road rage.

Been monitoring my unfollowers. Seems they're all idiots!

Well...imagine that.

This birds having sex with bees thing really freaks me out.

Me: Sure I want to have a baby someday, but it's something I think should be carefully planned.



Him: OK, I'll set up an excel sheet.

Oh dear, I'm on 100 lists! NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE!