People always give me the strangest looks at the beach when I stand waist high in the water holding a roll of toilet paper in my hand.

I don't know any other way to convince you I'm single other than send you the picture of the hole I dug in my backyard.

My nickname in High School was Transvaginal Mesh Failure Warning.

The most generous and beautiful people in the world appear on my timeline. I wish I could take what troubles them and set them free.

So there's a cruise ship that's going to retrace the path of the Titanic in case you need gift ideas for your spouse.

Is it weird for a guy to put jelly beans in plastic eggs and hide them in his house? I live alone. I'll hang up and listen to your answer.

I once broke up with a girl using emoticons in case you were wondering how I douche.

I wrote a script that scans twitter for typos then stars and retweets before they are deleted. I am what scientists refer to as a Dick Head.

@colnickfury I use your AVI to scare children whenever they get too close.

Baby, I know you’ve been with a lot of guys. I don’t think about that. I love you and your mind and would never inslut your intelligence.

Every squeak sound she makes brings me one step closer to faking an orgasm.

I have a few very simple rules to being my friend. Don't act like a bitch. Don't ruin Vegas. Don't cum on my face.

Sometimes I'll sleep on the opposite side of my bed and pretend I slept over at a girl's place.

I've started picking up girls by hanging outside a Vet's office and pretending I just had my cat put to sleep.

You "accidentally" ordered porn by selecting menu, select adult movies, confirm, select, next, next, select, confirm, confirm.

I just sat down on the bus next to a girl and she moved her purse to the other side of her. Relax lady, I was only looking for breath mints.

I don't covet my neighbor's wife but I do covet his slaves because she's a cow and my kitchen is a mess and dishes don't wash themselves.

Twitter needs a search button to look for followers who live nearby and have tweeted about sex in the last 90 seconds.

In this country you can brutally murder almost any animal but you go to prison if you make love to one.

I'm going through your drunk text messages from last night and can tell you switched to pot because the last one is a list of groceries.